A Malfoy Heir's Idiosyncratic Guide To Snark
by spousewounds
Summary: A series of short, trivial vignettes featuring our ever pureblooded anti-hero Draco Malfoy and his secret boy toy sidekick, Harry Potter! Ratings will fluctuate as much as Potter's taste in boys.
1. Chapter 1: A Malfoy's Hair Is Sacrosanct...

**Chapter 1: A Malfoy's Hair is Sacrosanct**

Draco Malfoy, sixteen years of age and so jaded even his dark robe stuck limply to him, casually crossed his long legs at the ankles and tiredly sighed with the tiredness of someone who knows tiredly is how they are sighing.

No sound was audible save for the incessant clipping sound right above his head and the approving hums of the Malfoy house hairdresser as she picked lock after lock of his light silky hair and snapped them in two with her sharp scissors.

"When are you done?" Draco growled lazily as he buried himself further into the cushions of his large velvet easy chair.

"Just wait a little while now, dear. Your mommy and daddy will be so proud of you ! I remember the day I cut you for the first time as if it were yesterday, you were only a toddler and already so convinced your hair was sacrosanct!" the elder woman cooed and blushed faintly.

In a flash, Draco spun around and eyed her in repulsion. However, the upper part of his hair stood erect by the many colourful barrettes she had used to keep it out of his face as she performed her job, and it made her object look neither noble, aristocratic, deep, dark nor mysterious.

"WHAT did you say?" he hissed in a low voice. "Surely, you don't think me a petty child, do you now?"

She blanched and backed away yelling as he snatched his wand out of his inner pocket and bluntly started stabbing it against her chin.

"Now little dragon, poodliewoopsie, with your hair done up so prettily…please…"

She never had the chance to finish her sentence, for the Malfoy heir raised his wand and quietly spoke "Avada Kedavra!"

"Gah, I can't even believe I let that woman touch me" he mumbled as he nodded his head in disdain and the green spark smothered itself. "Or any woman, for that matter."

Lucius Malfoy, attracted by the sound of a heated feminine voice, slammed open the doors of his son's bedroom to witness the most expensive coiffure expert in England fall to the floor. Behind her, Draco innocently smiled at him, the halo of his hair almost angelic in the daylight.

Never hesitating, Lucius practically flew to his son with a huge scowl on his face and took Draco's hand in his own, petting his child's fingers with every angry word he spoke:

"Draco! Now who will we get to finish your hair? A little practicality, son!"

The boy bit his lip.

"This is the so manieth time!" Lucius raged on. "WHAT have we told you, Draco?"

"Never in our home" Draco whispered as he looked down at his shoes.

"That's right" Lucius snorted as his eyes scanned her body beneath him. "Just imagine what people would think of this. It completely defiles the marble."

(A/N: Idea obviously taken from the inimitable 'Interview With The Vampire'. There are so many great moments in that film it almost compensates for the laughing wrinkles it caused me.)


	2. Chapter 2: A Malfoy Does It Straight

**Chapter 2: A Malfoy Does It Straight**

Five in the morning, and only the locusts in the bushes of Malfoy Manor made a faint, purring sound.

Suddenly the scene of peaceful quiet was broken, as it was each morning at five, when a completely black head with holes for eyes stuck itself out of the front doors and glanced around the vicinity alertly. Then the head retreated and a smothered male voice was heard.

"Now, son. I don't think there is anyone around. Take your broom and get out, quickly!"

"Father!" a younger voice whined sleepily. "Why do we have to go through this routine every morning? First it was fencing, then duelling, wizard chess, quizzes of wizard pop bands, French seduction techniques, and now flying? I know how to fly -"

"Be quiet, Draco! Anybody could hear us, remember? You know the code of secrecy we ought to employ. The fact we always get up at four to practise beating other people in miscellaneous ways is not the world's to know!"

The black head turned around and supervised the vicinity again, obviously closing the case.

Surely enough, a second black head peered around the doorframe and moments later, both Malfoy males, backs pressed against the outer wall of the Manor, shuffled out of the house and disappeared into the shadow of the giant mansion.

Panting for fresh air, they faced each other before pulling off their identical woollen hats.

"Now, son, mount your broom…I want you to fly straight; straight ahead and neatly. " Lucius was still panting.

Draco narrowed his eyes in concentration at the command of his father and kicked his brand new Night Glider off into the air. Lucius rode approvingly beside him and they completed odd patterns in the sky as he instructed his child in flying his new toy. The Night Glider had replaced the Firebolt as the fastest broom in the world mere weeks ago, and Lucius smiled at the thought of his own blood finally being able to beat that mangy, mutty Harry Potter and make Slytherin win the Quidditch Cup.

It was therefore that Lucius, after having spent a good few minutes plotting this in silence, suddenly spoke:

"Hmm, Draco, I would like you to grip your broom tighter between your legs. It will make you go harder..."

Draco snapped out of his reveries and eyed his father in shock, blushing.

"Wh-what?"

"Remember, you are on the pitch and Potter comes for you…"

Draco choked and instantly lost control over his broom. High, scared screams erupted as the broomstick started plummeting downwards, meanderingly heading for a group of nearby trees.

"Draco!" Lucius snarled. "Get right back here! Grip it tightly and aim! Do you want to have Potter or not? Remember, a Malfoy does it straight!"

Now direly confused, Draco panickingly looked from his falling broom to his father and back. The snapping of branches and the bold rustle of leaves were heard, and then the garden of the Manor was quiet once more.

Lucius Malfoy rolled his eyes and sighed wearily.


End file.
